This past week, I let my wife down.
She was really hurt, and there were a few tender days to follow.

It sucks when you see your person in pain.
And trying to restore connection isn’t always simple. It can feel complex, at times layered, with diverse dynamics at play.

That “space” after a fracture or fight is familiar to anyone in a close relationship.
These are some observations about what helps connection return.

Hurt is inevitable in close relationships, yet it’s important to remember that the evidence of a healthy relationship isn’t defined by the absence of conflict, but by the quality of repair and reconnection that follows.

Repair, to me, is any intentional move that restores connection, pursues perspective, and rebuilds trust after tension, misunderstanding, or hurt.
It is the choice one makes to take responsibility for how we want to respond to our person, no matter who caused the distress.

What I’ve observed with many couples is that often the default response after a relational rupture is something ancient and very familiar to the human race. When we feel threatened, wounded, or uncomfortable, a large percentage of people retreat into what I call the age old game of hide and blame.

We see this in play way back in the Genesis poem, when Adam and Eve, having broken trust, are exposed and realise they are no longer innocent.
The first thing they do is hide. They hide from a relationship where there was once deep trust, a relationship where they had experienced flourishing.

Then, when the God figure seeks them out to reconnect, asking “Where are you?”, their next response is blame.
Adam begins with, “It was the woman you gave me.”
Eve follows suit, pointing to the serpent as the one at fault.

First, they hide.
Then, they shift responsibility.

Have you noticed how familiar this response feels under relational pressure?
Ancient in origin, and still deeply human, still deeply common.

Following a relational fracture, there is often a temptation to go quiet, withdraw, avoid, or emotionally disappear.
And if we do speak, we often do so from a defensive posture, justifying, minimising, or pointing the finger.

The tragedy with this pattern is that the hide and blame move may momentarily protect our ego, but it slowly destroys connection.
What’s striking is that the hide and blame move is the exact opposite of what a relationship needs in that moment. What it needs is the beginning of repair.

Repair leans in and says, “I’m here. This relationship matters. I’ll take responsibility for my part.”
Hide and blame say, “I need to defend myself, even if you’re left carrying the hurt.”

Psychotherapist Russ Harris gives a modern explanation for what many of us do when we’re hurting, threatened, or uncomfortable.
He uses the acronym D.R.A.I.N to describe patterns of behaviour that, over time, drain connection and intimacy from our relationships.

Disconnection
We disconnect from our partner or the situation. Our partner might experience us during that time as cold, closed, and uninterested.

Reactivity
In reactive mode, we become hooked by our feelings and allow our emotions and offence to dictate our behaviour.

Avoidance
At its simplest, we avoid facing the tension. “Experiential avoidance” is the technical term for trying to avoid or get rid of unwanted inner experiences.

Inside the mind
We go into our mind and entertain the many things it has to say. The challenge is that if we stay there, we can quickly get caught up in our thoughts and begin building a case against the other person.

Neglecting our values
When we go into drain mode, we can easily end up neglecting our values. Values, in this context, are the deepest desires we have for how we ideally want to behave and show up in our relationships.

Did any of these moves ring true in your world?

The Good News

Strain is normal in close relationships. Repair is what makes them healthy.
And the good news is that repair is a skill, one that, with practice, helps us return to connection sooner.

So let’s get practical.

Space:    Sometimes the most loving thing we can do is take a little space.

When we’re feeling let down, hurt, and our thoughts are spinning, we’re often not ready to repair at that point.
We’re in a stress response mode, focused on self protection rather than connection.
And that’s not the place where good listening, gentle words, or wise choices tend to live.

So yes, take a break. Step away long enough to calm your nervous system.
Breathe. Walk. Pray. Do whatever you need to do to let your body settle.

Yet space only helps when it is held with intention, an intention to re engage.

The Repair Work

Remember, repair is any intentional move that restores connection.
It means choosing connection over convenience, and understanding over the need to win.

Sometimes you don’t need a long speech, just a brave sentence.

“Can we start over?”
“Would you like to share how this has impacted you?”
“I just want to begin by acknowledging that I could have done so much better.”
“I imagine this has been really tough. I am really keen to hear how it’s been for you and find a way to move forward together.”

Repair is not about being perfect.
It’s about being willing to return.

In Jewish tradition, there is a powerful word: Teshuvah.
It is often translated as repentance, but its deeper meaning is return.

What’s striking is that the heart of Teshuvah is not simply feeling bad, or even remorse.
It is about turning back.
Back to relationship.
Back to a rhythm of peace.

In the Hebrew imagination, return is always an action.
You don’t just regret, you return. 
You move your body, your words, and your choices back toward a way of living that aligns with your values.

In relationships, repair is a form of Teshuvah.
It is choosing to return to presence instead of distance,
to responsibility instead of blame,
to connection instead of comfort.

And yes, it often involves swallowing your pride, biting your tongue, and staying open to a wider perspective than your own.

You don’t prove love by never leaving the path.
You prove it by how faithfully you return.

The next time there is a fight or fracture (which there will be):

What could it look like for you to initiate repair?
How might Teshuvah remind you of the priority of return?